It’s been years. How does a picture of you still make my heart race? I wish I could say all the things I’d like to, but I would assume you’d think that I’m crazy. I know that because even I too wonder slightly if I might be. Is it normal? Is it normal to want so badly to love you even after all these years? How is it fair of me to want you although you’re so happy and in love?
Perhaps it is because you were my first love or maybe it was due to all of our unfinished business. I thought we had more left in us. I have so many questions, not even necessarily about us. But, about how you’ve been. I want to know if you are still goofy in public, or if that was just us whenever we were kids. I want to know if you overcome your fear of the darkness or if you still sleep with same nightlight I used to stare at while I was in the warmth of your arms. Basking in the moment that we were in, hoping it’d never come to an end. I want to know about her.
I want to know if she brings out the best in you. I want to know if she cherishes every precious moment she spends with you because Lord knows I didn’t cherish it enough. I want to know if she makes you feel safe, if you get to be yourself. From what I see, you’ve changed. Maybe for the better, is it awful of me to wonder if it’s for the worst though? Is it horrible of me to hope it’s for the worst so I can greet you with open arms; letting you know that I’m here?
It’s strange of me to feel this way, do you see why I can never ask or tell you these things? If there is hope left for us, I know this will end it before it even begins. I’ve tried understanding my feelings, but it was you who always helped me make since of them. But where are you to interpret these ones for me? These feelings that keep me awake at night. Just wishing YOU would be the one to message me and ask me how I’ve been. I want to stop thinking about you, I want to stop these feelings from consuming what’s left of the part of my brain that is still sane.
It is true though, apart of me will always be secretly hoping that you don’t work out. Watching you love her in a way that you never loved me is devastating. But, it isn’t as bad as not being in your life. So, maybe, instead of saying all of this, I think I will just say, “Hello, how have you been?”
“Previously published by Thought Catalog at https://thoughtcatalog.com.”