I Hope This Is The Reason You Won’t Need Me Anymore

My dear child, the moment you were laid upon my chest my heart overflowed with love, tears were streaming down my face. Ten pink little toes and ten tiny fingers that wrapped around mine, a perfect fit. So much perfection in a little face, the scent of a new baby began to be my favorite smell. I dressed you in my favorite going home outfit and you looked nothing like I imagined, but better.

I was thankful you slept so well in the beginning, I almost wish I would have taken the sleep if I knew what was in store later on down the road. It was just to hard not to watch you sleep as peacefully as you did, little breaths inhaling and exhaling with smiles as big as ever. I always wondered what you were dreaming of. But I was hoping you’d dream of it more if that meant I was able to catch another glimpse of your toothless grins. Those were always my favorite.

I wonder what it will be like to no longer have to chase the monsters away from your closet. I wonder what it will be like when kisses don’t make your owies go away. I wonder what it will be like to not be able to fix every problem that comes your way. I wonder what it will be like when you fall asleep for the first time without telling me you love me a hundred times and asking me for one more hug goodnight. I wonder what it will be like when you don’t need me anymore.

I’m grateful it will come slowly and not all at once. But I hope by doing all of these things for you, you just learned all of the things I taught you along the way.

I hope you just remembered that monsters are not real, and you are brave enough to chase them all away. That my kisses may not fix everything painful but you will always have me to take care of you. That I may not be able to fix all your problems, but I will always be able to listen to them so you know you are never alone. That I know you may forget to tell me you love me, but you will always show it in a thousand ways, in all the ways that I showed you. Even if you don’t need me as much anymore, I know I will always be your Mother and that title is forever, and my job is never ending even if the requests slow down.

For the days continuing on I will stay basking in this moment with you, always reminding you of the things I hope you remember. The things that you will need to know, when you don’t need me as much anymore.

With all my love,

forever Mama.

Nonfiction

This Is For The Children Who Grew Up With Parents That Fought

I see you. I feel your pain. Because I too am a child of the parents who fought all the time. Who can relate better than a person who endured the same?

I see you as a little child, hidden in your closet, from the screaming monsters, listening to glass shatter all over the kitchen floor. I see you crying out for help but nobody listening. Oh dear, I know what that was like. I remember as well, holding tiny little hands over our little ears and every so often checking to see if you could hear screams. I see you, darling. I see you scared and alone, with nobody to hold your hand. The people who should be holding your hand are far to busy pointing their fingers. But, it’s okay. I saw you child, you are not alone. I see your suitcase ready to go, as if you know where to leave to at just six years old. But in that moment, anywhere is better than the screaming house. I see you still battling those emotions that you had to keep for all these years.

I see you, as a teenager. Watching your first fight with two classmates. Cringing, heart beating fast, and slowly turning away. Painful memories burned into your mind, you can’t bear to watch another second. I see you looking for love in all the wrong places. Please, don’t. I see your choosing of men, after a few months we start to sound a whole lot like those monsters in the bedroom. But it’s okay, darling. I know you don’t want to be like them. I see every single pain inflicted memory haunt you wherever you go, carrying it around like a bug hitching a ride. But, how do you get rid of a bug that’s only hidden from you? After all, we just listened to screaming all our life, it’s not THAT bad. At least, that’s what I always got told. I see you battling those emotions that just want to make you scream, but I know that you don’t want to be one to raise your voice. I know because I didn’t want too either. I didn’t want to sound like those scary monsters we used to hide from.

I see you, as an adult. Striving so hard to be everything they weren’t. Finally finding that bug on you and realizing emotional abuse is just as hurtful as physical abuse. That there wasn’t anything wrong with you, besides battling something that everyone always said wasn’t that bad. I know it was really difficult to fix the part of me that everyone said didn’t need fixing. But I know, I know that part of you needs the most healing. I see you. I feel your pain. I wish I could say that it gets easier. But, for me it didn’t. It’s always with me wherever I go. If there’s one piece of advice I can give you, don’t let the monsters that you fight within you win. Because everyone runs from monsters.

 “Previously published by Thought Catalog at https://thoughtcatalog.com.”

Nonfiction