Please, Someone Tell Me

Tell me not to assume the worst. Tell me to give them the benefit of the doubt, although their body says it all. Tell me they’re on a diet, a diet where they don’t sleep, don’t eat and they become the worst version of themselves. Tell me that’s possible. Tell me anything but the truth, I can’t bare the thought. Tell me, how do I do it?

Tell me, do the eyes you stare upon look similar to those of a strangers? Does your heart break seeing them from time to time only to discover they look worse than the time before? Tell me, is it dark in between their sunk in eyes. Tell me those scratches on their face are from playing with a dog and not from the invisible bugs crawling on their skin. Tell me, did everyday phone calls turn into once in a blue moon? Did your love deteriorate for them as fast as they withered away or does it make you want to love them more?

Please, I’m begging you, tell me this is as hard as it gets. Tell me they won’t die. Tell me my ears were clogged, I didn’t hear those words they said correctly. It couldn’t have been, it can’t be true. Tell me the person I love is coming back and they’re not to a point of no return. Tell me they won’t forget about me or the memories we shared, tell me that will be enough for them to make their way back and out of the depths of despair. Tell me it’ll be okay.

Tell me that their face will fill out and their smile I loved so much will return. Tell me that I will be able to laugh with them again and I won’t have to hear of things that make me scared for their life. Tell me, how do you fix someone who is so broken? How do you love someone broken? I’ve tried a million ways but I can’t seem to figure it out, not enough for it to mean anything. Tell me that there is hope. Tell me I can visit them without the fear of the unknown.

Tell me how to love them without anger following after. Tell me how to live with something that it eating away at them from the inside out. Tell me, who is this person standing in front of me, when all I see is darkness and a empty soul. Tell me that they are in there somewhere. Please someone tell me, someone tell me they are coming back.

 “Previously published by Thought Catalog at https://thoughtcatalog.com.”

I Hope My Kids Marry Someone Just Like Their Dad

Easy smiles

I can’t express into words just how sure I was that good men no longer walked God’s country. I was convinced I either would have to settle or be alone; because finding someone who treated me the way I deserved was so far fetched. It just wasn’t happening for me. I had my fair share of relationships, mostly crappy relationships at that. I’ll admit, I wasn’t probably the easiest person to get along with, my patience was very thin, jealousy consumed me; that’s no easy thing to admit. I was just hopeful somebody would love me through it all. Then one day, someone did. I hope that the girls find someone just like him, because this is how they will be loved and this is what he’ll be like.

I’m so not a fan of his patchy beard he has going on, if anyone has beard growing ideas, let me know! Haha.

He will have a kind heart and a gentle hand. He will have love in his voice, even when he is angry. I know she will feel safe and at home, no matter where they are at so long as they are together. He will have patience.
He will be patient even when she is on his every last nerve. Patience she strives to have. Patience with their children, patience when she’s had a long day and moody. He will be a loving father and a faithful husband. Someone who is never quick to assume and will never let them go to bed angry at each other. He will love her fully, and give 100% even if he is running on fumes.

He will bring out the best parts of her and make her use them to her full potential. He will be a provider and never use that as leverage against her. He will buy surprise flowers and gifts just to see her smile. He will speak words of tenderness when getting his point across and never raise his voice without crying immediately after. He will be forgiving, even on days she’s in the wrong. He will make it a priority to not fight in front of the kids and always take the argument to another room, far from little ears that will hear.

He will be honest, always and pray for her everyday. Pray to God to keep her safe. He will be considerate. Considerate of her feelings, and think of her before all he does. He will be selfless and always put her and her needs before his own. He will be her safe place to fall, always being there to catch her anytime she slips. He will whisper I love you’s and tell her how proud of her he is. He will push her to do things she once thought was a dream. He will push her to succeed and be the bigger person. He will make a thousand trips to the car so she doesn’t have to make one, purely out of love. It won’t be because she doesn’t want too, it’ll be because he would rather do it for her. He will pick up her slack when she can’t move another muscle and cook meals for her when she’s sick. On the days she’s hard to like, he will love her harder. He will be the light on her darkest days. He will be a good man.

My children deserve the best and I pray through learning and watching the way Austin loves me they see they should never settle, they should never settle for mediocre love. I’m hopeful they see how a women deserves to be treated and they will know their worth. That good men are out there, sometimes their just hard to catch. But when you do, I know they’ll see the chase was worth it.

nonfiction

To The Ones In Long Distance Relationships

I remember searching the internet relentlessly looking for someone else to understand me and my feelings. Just looking for someone who has been through the same thing that I was enduring in hopes they could shed light on how I can make being in a long distance relationship with a man in the service not seem so impossible. Although I found some helpful advice, I didn’t find what I was longing for to simply keep me at peace. From what I did gather, it’s certainly not common for married or people in serious relationships to not live with their significant other. Which I totally understand, but geez, help a women out.

I will never forget the amount of backlash that individuals expressed with me dating someone living in a completely different state. It isn’t that I didn’t want to go stay with him indefinitely, it was simply that I could not. I had a child from a previous relationship and there wasn’t any chance I could leave. I will say, even when my husband was away his role as the children’s father never faltered. He was an amazing Dad even from afar.

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Austin formally met Paisyn after one year.

Whatever it is that is holding you back, I get it. I do. But that shouldn’t dictate whether or not you can potentially be with this person for the rest of your life if that is what you both choose to do. It also most definitely does not give anyone the right to tell you what is and isn’t good for you. Only you know that. So, please, don’t let anyone try to cloud your judgment.

My husband and I spent 3 years apart before we were ever living together under the same roof. The first year we were still boyfriend/girlfriend and we had our occasional breakups when we thought it was just to difficult. But as soon as we got married, we obviously made it a priority for me to go see him once a month. As expensive as plane tickets are and all of his underways/deployments that was the best we could do. But you have to take what you can get and run with it if you’re really wanting this to work. It wasn’t until Feb – March of 2017 that we finally got to feel what it was like to always be in each others presence.

Believe me, it is not an easy process by no means. It takes a lot of dedication to be with someone in the service. It never gets any easier, telling them goodbye. It rips your heart apart every time and just when you think you have it all figured out; as soon as they walk away, you break. You shatter into a million pieces. My husband and I made a promise that after we said goodbye to go back home (whichever one of us came to see the other) we’d never turn around to look. Watching your heart walk in a completely different direction instead of being with you is the worst pain of all. Even to this day, the pain is burned into my mind. The thought of all those goodbyes brings me to tears because it was unlike any other hurt I’ve ever felt. It’s okay to feel that way, don’t let anyone shame you for your outbursts of crying. I would even go to say that it feels worse than your first heart break. Because all you feel is numb, you feel nothing. Empty.

The times you do get with your significant other, hold on to it. Lean on it. Take it all in. Stay still in the moment. It’s very difficult to come to terms with not getting the time you want but only receiving the time you get. It never seems to be enough, does it? Never enough laughs, never enough hugs or kisses. Never enough memories. But you can make the best of it. You can make it last until you see them again. Plan a fun event together, watch a movie, if you have kids find a sitter in advance for them so you can get some alone time with your person.

He took me to my very first beach and I fell in love!

In between seeing them it’s critical to set aside time strictly for you to talk. I know how frustrating it is when plans are always changing (welcome to the Navy) but you have to figure out something to make it work. Our phones and computers were what we depended on to make our relationship work when being apart. It’s not exactly the best thing in the world, being glued to your phone that is. But we were determined that we wanted this for life.

Be patient with them, as patient as you can that is. It’s really easy to become snippy with each other after going long periods of time without seeing one another. Stress has a way of making you take it out on people who are in no way deserving of it. Try not to let it show. It will be okay.

Whether you intend on one day moving with them when most convenient for you as a couple. Whether they intend to leave the service to come home with you or if you’re just someone who is long distance until further notice, the time will drag but the ending result is well worth everything that you two will be faced with. There will be many situations that arise that will make you question everything, but listen to your gut. If every part of you is telling you that you love this person entirely don’t give up. It will pass. I remember when I told myself I was going to give it one more time and give it my all. I was so hesitant at first and sure that everything would slowly fall apart. But, it didn’t.

One year after meeting I married my husband, he finished his last two years in the Navy and he came home to me. We added another daughter to our family and life is good. Don’t forget, don’t let anyone tell you it’s not possible. Because we are proof, it isn’t even a little bit true.

Nonfiction