I Think I’m Obsessed With You

It’s been years. How does a picture of you still make my heart race? I wish I could say all the things I’d like to, but I would assume you’d think that I’m crazy. I know that because even I too wonder slightly if I might be. Is it normal? Is it normal to want so badly to love you even after all these years? How is it fair of me to want you although you’re so happy and in love?

Perhaps it is because you were my first love or maybe it was due to all of our unfinished business. I thought we had more left in us. I have so many questions, not even necessarily about us. But, about how you’ve been. I want to know if you are still goofy in public, or if that was just us whenever we were kids. I want to know if you overcome your fear of the darkness or if you still sleep with same nightlight I used to stare at while I was in the warmth of your arms. Basking in the moment that we were in, hoping it’d never come to an end. I want to know about her.

I want to know if she brings out the best in you. I want to know if she cherishes every precious moment she spends with you because Lord knows I didn’t cherish it enough. I want to know if she makes you feel safe, if you get to be yourself. From what I see, you’ve changed. Maybe for the better, is it awful of me to wonder if it’s for the worst though? Is it horrible of me to hope it’s for the worst so I can greet you with open arms; letting you know that I’m here?

It’s strange of me to feel this way, do you see why I can never ask or tell you these things? If there is hope left for us, I know this will end it before it even begins. I’ve tried understanding my feelings, but it was you who always helped me make since of them. But where are you to interpret these ones for me? These feelings that keep me awake at night. Just wishing YOU would be the one to message me and ask me how I’ve been. I want to stop thinking about you, I want to stop these feelings from consuming what’s left of the part of my brain that is still sane.

It is true though, apart of me will always be secretly hoping that you don’t work out. Watching you love her in a way that you never loved me is devastating. But, it isn’t as bad as not being in your life. So, maybe, instead of saying all of this, I think I will just say, “Hello, how have you been?”

Fiction

 “Previously published by Thought Catalog at https://thoughtcatalog.com.”

This Is For The Children Who Grew Up With Parents That Fought

I see you. I feel your pain. Because I too am a child of the parents who fought all the time. Who can relate better than a person who endured the same?

I see you as a little child, hidden in your closet, from the screaming monsters, listening to glass shatter all over the kitchen floor. I see you crying out for help but nobody listening. Oh dear, I know what that was like. I remember as well, holding tiny little hands over our little ears and every so often checking to see if you could hear screams. I see you, darling. I see you scared and alone, with nobody to hold your hand. The people who should be holding your hand are far to busy pointing their fingers. But, it’s okay. I saw you child, you are not alone. I see your suitcase ready to go, as if you know where to leave to at just six years old. But in that moment, anywhere is better than the screaming house. I see you still battling those emotions that you had to keep for all these years.

I see you, as a teenager. Watching your first fight with two classmates. Cringing, heart beating fast, and slowly turning away. Painful memories burned into your mind, you can’t bear to watch another second. I see you looking for love in all the wrong places. Please, don’t. I see your choosing of men, after a few months we start to sound a whole lot like those monsters in the bedroom. But it’s okay, darling. I know you don’t want to be like them. I see every single pain inflicted memory haunt you wherever you go, carrying it around like a bug hitching a ride. But, how do you get rid of a bug that’s only hidden from you? After all, we just listened to screaming all our life, it’s not THAT bad. At least, that’s what I always got told. I see you battling those emotions that just want to make you scream, but I know that you don’t want to be one to raise your voice. I know because I didn’t want too either. I didn’t want to sound like those scary monsters we used to hide from.

I see you, as an adult. Striving so hard to be everything they weren’t. Finally finding that bug on you and realizing emotional abuse is just as hurtful as physical abuse. That there wasn’t anything wrong with you, besides battling something that everyone always said wasn’t that bad. I know it was really difficult to fix the part of me that everyone said didn’t need fixing. But I know, I know that part of you needs the most healing. I see you. I feel your pain. I wish I could say that it gets easier. But, for me it didn’t. It’s always with me wherever I go. If there’s one piece of advice I can give you, don’t let the monsters that you fight within you win. Because everyone runs from monsters.

 “Previously published by Thought Catalog at https://thoughtcatalog.com.”

Nonfiction