This Is For The Children Who Grew Up With Parents That Fought

I see you. I feel your pain. Because I too am a child of the parents who fought all the time. Who can relate better than a person who endured the same?

I see you as a little child, hidden in your closet, from the screaming monsters, listening to glass shatter all over the kitchen floor. I see you crying out for help but nobody listening. Oh dear, I know what that was like. I remember as well, holding tiny little hands over our little ears and every so often checking to see if you could hear screams. I see you, darling. I see you scared and alone, with nobody to hold your hand. The people who should be holding your hand are far to busy pointing their fingers. But, it’s okay. I saw you child, you are not alone. I see your suitcase ready to go, as if you know where to leave to at just six years old. But in that moment, anywhere is better than the screaming house. I see you still battling those emotions that you had to keep for all these years.

I see you, as a teenager. Watching your first fight with two classmates. Cringing, heart beating fast, and slowly turning away. Painful memories burned into your mind, you can’t bear to watch another second. I see you looking for love in all the wrong places. Please, don’t. I see your choosing of men, after a few months we start to sound a whole lot like those monsters in the bedroom. But it’s okay, darling. I know you don’t want to be like them. I see every single pain inflicted memory haunt you wherever you go, carrying it around like a bug hitching a ride. But, how do you get rid of a bug that’s only hidden from you? After all, we just listened to screaming all our life, it’s not THAT bad. At least, that’s what I always got told. I see you battling those emotions that just want to make you scream, but I know that you don’t want to be one to raise your voice. I know because I didn’t want too either. I didn’t want to sound like those scary monsters we used to hide from.

I see you, as an adult. Striving so hard to be everything they weren’t. Finally finding that bug on you and realizing emotional abuse is just as hurtful as physical abuse. That there wasn’t anything wrong with you, besides battling something that everyone always said wasn’t that bad. I know it was really difficult to fix the part of me that everyone said didn’t need fixing. But I know, I know that part of you needs the most healing. I see you. I feel your pain. I wish I could say that it gets easier. But, for me it didn’t. It’s always with me wherever I go. If there’s one piece of advice I can give you, don’t let the monsters that you fight within you win. Because everyone runs from monsters.

 “Previously published by Thought Catalog at https://thoughtcatalog.com.”

Nonfiction

A Glimpse Of Me

We have a beautiful little lake that we like to visit in our small town

My life has been pretty typical for the most part. I was born and raised in a town that didn’t so much as have a stoplight. I will say it was pretty darn helpful in my newbie driving years.

I was blessed with a daughter at 17 years old and found myself a single parent a year later. It’s amazing how much you grow and mature once being a parent, but I’m blessed nonetheless. It did take its toll on me. When I dropped out of high school my senior year, I found myself struggling with knowing whether or not I was a good parent. Shortly after that, I decided to go back to get my GED and after passing I went to college for a little while to pursue psychology. It feels wonderful to look back and see how far I’ve came over the years.

She was a doll during senior pictures

Exactly one week after me and my oldest daughter father split I found myself completely smitten by a man that would a year later become my husband. He was charming and everything I wanted in a man, but we were still so young, he was in the military and it was very challenging for us to make the decision to actually settle down with one another. We’ve been married four years this year (2019) and my heart is completely full. Along with our unexpected marriage, we also had an unexpected pregnancy with that as well.

I feel as though it’s true, your second child being a handful because my darling Brielle gives me a good run. She is the sweetest, funniest two year old I’ve met and I’m lucky to be her Mama.

I’m still trying to figure out life and what to make out of it. But, one thing I’m sure of is that I love writing about it. I can’t wait to share it with you.

I Married Someone I Wasn’t Even In A Relationship With

Don’t let the title fool you completely, we did have history together. But we were completely and totally broken up, trust me.   

He was no saint, let’s just say that. But dammit for him to play me like a fiddle, I don’t know why but it only made me want him more. I wanted to know I was capable of catching him, of making him mine. Perhaps it was his uniform he wore so damn good that made me so attracted to him. Then again, it could have been his words that he used to keep me crawling back to him every time I decided to find someone new. I can assure you one thing, anytime I attempted to date someone, he was never, ever far behind. He was so difficult to please, to understand. But, I always tried to get in his head in hopes to figure out how his mind works.

Finally we both decided this was it, I was going to fly out to meet his family and see if our relationship was worth a lick of anything, to see if there was anything left there to revisit and start new. I knew in the beginning it would be just like any other time, he loved me so much when we were together, but the Navy had a way with sending him as far away from me as possible. Each time he left with them, his love for me did too. Whatever love he did have for me was only shown through drunken text messages and late night calls. I understand why he had to separate the two. It was too difficult for him to morph together. But I truly wanted this time to be it, I wanted this to be the last time, the last game we played. I wasn’t necessarily expecting us to get married, but to get his head out of his ass at the very least. When he asked me about getting married completely out of the blue and said we’d do it the next day, I laughed knowing he’d change his mind soon after. I’ll be damned if we didn’t whip everything together to do it THAT day. I will say that entire time I was waiting for him to pull me aside to tell me he wasn’t ready. But next thing you know we were standing in front of each other. Up until we say I do, I was thinking in mind when is he going to leave? When is he going to say, “I’m not ready, I’m so sorry.” 

He said, “I do.” And all I could think is, “What the fuck did I just do?” I’ll admit, we were both a little shaken up after the fact, and I wasn’t expecting my father in law I just met to be in the bathroom while vomiting my guts out after celebrating an unexpected event. What a way to start that out. 

We had our issues after getting married, there had been times I questioned his spur of the moment decision and my choice on following through. But somehow, we made it through. We’ve been married almost four years and now we just laugh at how miserable things could have turned out. Although I do not recommend getting married on a whim at 19 years old, especially to someone you’re not dating. At least don’t try to get them pregnant as well, he did that and succeeded. Did I forget to mention that? 

Nonfiction

A Thank You Letter To The Man Who Found Me When I Was Broken

I never thought of myself as worthy of love. I wasn’t sure when you came along that I was capable of receiving love, let alone giving it out in return.

When you found me I was already withered away into a shell of who I once was. Just a frail, single teenage mother trying to pick up all the pieces that were recently broken. I was told, “There’s something wrong with you. ” So thank you for showing me that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and that even I am worthy of love. Thank you for helping me pick up every single piece of me off the ground.

You were always there through everything. You pointed out every single flaw of mine and showed me that even those were worth loving. One by one you took down every brick that surrounded my heart. It was the only thing left I had in me because it was where I kept my daughter, and I couldn’t let anything happen to the very last piece of me. The only way for you to get in was to break my walls down slowly, so thank you for taking the bricks down to make room for more than just one love, because my heart craved you.

When we got in our first argument, I was sure you were going to run for the hills, but you didn’t. You stayed. Even in our arguments, you had love in your voice. That was something very unfamiliar to me. I never thought it was possible to show love through fighting, but I’ve learned that with you, anything is possible.

Thank you for showing me the parts of myself that were hidden. The best parts of me. Thank you for falling in love with all of me, the good parts of me, the ugly parts of me, the flawed parts of me. Thank you for teaching me how to love. I know without a doubt I’m doing it right, because I’ve had the best teacher. I wish everyone had someone like you in their life, because the world would be a better place if they had more people like you in it.

When you asked me to marry you I was over the moon. You looked at me with so much love in your eyes. Saying yes was the best decision I made in my life, because years later you still always remind me just how worthy of love I am.

 “Previously published by Thought Catalog at https://thoughtcatalog.com.”

Nonfiction

An Open Letter To My Daughter

My dear child, I never intended this to happen. I never wanted you to come from a split family, I always wanted the absolute very best for you. So, that is what I done. The very best for you. Even if it may not seem like it, all of my decisions have always been with you in mind. I never pictured sharing you with anyone else, but you deserve all of the love in the world and I’m so grateful that you have an abundance. 

I pray that when you’re old enough to understand you keep the same love in your heart as you did when you were a child and forgive me for all of my mistakes. But, always remember, you were never one of them. My life has blossomed since you’ve been born. I’ve grown so much since being your Mother. You may have missed out on both of your parents being together, but you gained two more. I hope more than ever you feel the love we all shower down on you. 

You’re step-father loves you more than the moon and the stars and your step-mom loves you as much as I do. If you are to ever feel broken, I will always remind you that the pieces of our blended family fit as perfect as a puzzle; with you centered in the middle surrounded by a family who loves you fully. It may have not turned out as intended but I know that it did turn out the way our Lord planned. 

Please, never forget how much I love you and always remember you are one of the biggest blessings I have ever had. I promise you, your family is not broken. After all love, you are the piece that holds us all together. 

With all my love, Mom. 

Nonfiction