An Open Letter To My Drug Addict Sister

If there is one thing I hope your mind remembers after each needle pierces your veins it is how much I love you. As I watch this drug destroy you and everyone around you, I start to crumble. I wonder where my sister has gone. Every part of me wants to give up on you, but the memories of us linger in my mind and I want nothing more than my sister back. My best friend. It’s strange to think there was a time you were normal because I’ve been dancing with the devil for so long I’ve almost forgot. 

I wish I knew the way your mind thinks, but I’m starting to understand why it’s called the devils drug, because only the coldest people can do the things you have done; said the things you have said. When we lost you to Meth, everyone lost something. I lost my sister. Keeper of my secrets. Your children lost a mother, your husband lost a wife, our parents lost their daughter. I guess apart of me will always feel like you’ll never be back, not really anyways. Your brain is dying and your once funny humor has been taken over by selfies that only show a shell of who you once were. It worries me how you think you look so good yet your hair is falling out. I wonder if you even notice. Your Facebook is flooded with quotes from all hours of the night as the thoughts in your brain are your new reality. 

The monsters in your mind are making you think we are conspiring against you. But, we are rooting for you. We are hoping you see a glimpse of light in the darkness that surrounds you before it completely consumes you. I hate that I can’t stand the person that you are because I remember the person that you were. Truth be told, I do not understand addiction. I don’t understand how you can smoke meth in a bathroom while your kids wait outside in some strangers cracked out house. I don’t understand how you can lose everything and not give a damn about a single person around you. But crave the feeling of meth coursing through your veins. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT. You don’t understand just how badly I want to though. Would it change the way I think about you? Would it help me be able to help you? Would it tell me the secret to fix your delusions? Would it bring my big sister back to me? 

 I remember you used to say that you don’t have an addictive trait, so it wouldn’t happen to you. Now look, it’s been over 2 years and you get worse as everyday passes. Between the sadness of losing you over these last couple years there has been so much anger and it makes me so infuriated that you even hold that power over me and I’m struggling with the thought of seeing the ending as your funeral. I may not be a drug addict but I love one and that in itself is it’s own task. 

 You say addiction is hard. I wish you knew how damn hard it is to love you. To love the addict I should say, because I don’t love you. I love who you used to be and I have to have hope that the person you once were will come back one day. One day when your family means more than getting your next fix. So sister, I will continue to love the person you once were. I will fight all the monsters away, and relentlessly search for my sister and pray to God when I reach her that she is still there, waiting for someone to save her. 

It Was So Hard To Love You And Be Your Friend

I always hoped that somehow through the storm of our love story you would make your way back to me, arms open on the side. The saying goes “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” But I know now, that isn’t even slightly true. I understand now it’s difficult to love someone that isn’t always present, I apologize sincerely for even assuming that could be done. Now, I’m sitting here wondering how that’s even feasibly possible. I just pray you understand why I had to distant myself.

I want you to know that I enjoyed every second of being your friend but it was torture to not be able to love you in the way that I wanted too, in the way you deserved to be loved. It’s always said, right? If you’re meant to be, they’ll make their way back to you. How foolish of me to believe that was true. Maybe, we weren’t meant to be. But, maybe we just didn’t have the chance to start with. The only thing I’ve learned throughout the process of losing you completely is that you can lose a lot of precious moments waiting for the perfect time to be together and time went by far to quickly.

Daily I’d think about you, hoping for a text that you were wrong. You needed me as much as I needed you. That you were ready to try again with us, that you saw more in me than just a friendship. I can’t count the times that I needed you, I needed my friend. I promise you, if that day would have ever came I would have dropped everything to be with you again. But it never did. It never did and you never came. I was playing a game not knowing the outcome of what would happen had I of lost. Turns out, you need to learn about the game before you decide you want too play, another lesson I learned with you. Just know if I could go back, if I could do it all over. I’d settle for being just your friend. Because damn it, I miss you.

It wasn’t fair of me to give you an ultimatum because I couldn’t figure out how to love you and be your friend. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me, because you were my best friend and were always there when I needed you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to be your safe place to fall and a shoulder to cry on but my heart shattered each and every time I saw your tears. All I wanted to do was kiss you and tell you it was going to be okay. It was so damn hard to be just your friend because I was limited to the way I could do things for you, the ways I know used to make you feel better. Please know I tried a hundred times to be what you asked of me. I tried hiding all my love deep inside my heart, but every moment spent with you, you made it pour over. I tried looking for features of you in another person, how unfair of me that was when I had you right in front of me all along. Slowly you were pushed aside, I didn’t know how to love someone else fully and pretend there wasn’t something there in my heart that burned for you. Because my love for you would always outweigh anyone I was with. I needed to give 100% to anyone I was dating, because I remembered how it felt when I didn’t get it from you. I simply could not love you and have friendship barriers, it was to much pain to bear.

As it turns out, I was the selfish one. I was the one who was completely undeserving of your friendship. I knew in my heart that I wasn’t what you wanted anymore but still I longed for you, at one time I was. But, as we got older, your taste in women changed, as did the things you wanted out of life and we just wanted different things. I was to blinded by love to understand it all, but I do now. I still have to convince myself that I don’t love you anymore, even after all these years but truth of the matter is, I do. But I’ve hid it well for all this time, perhaps we could try this friend thing again, just one more time. I think I have it figured out and I’d rather have you in my life than not at all, because that hurts worse than loving someone that will be nothing more than a friend.

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Previously published by thoughtcatalog @thoughtcatalog.com

Please, Someone Tell Me

Tell me not to assume the worst. Tell me to give them the benefit of the doubt, although their body says it all. Tell me they’re on a diet, a diet where they don’t sleep, don’t eat and they become the worst version of themselves. Tell me that’s possible. Tell me anything but the truth, I can’t bare the thought. Tell me, how do I do it?

Tell me, do the eyes you stare upon look similar to those of a strangers? Does your heart break seeing them from time to time only to discover they look worse than the time before? Tell me, is it dark in between their sunk in eyes. Tell me those scratches on their face are from playing with a dog and not from the invisible bugs crawling on their skin. Tell me, did everyday phone calls turn into once in a blue moon? Did your love deteriorate for them as fast as they withered away or does it make you want to love them more?

Please, I’m begging you, tell me this is as hard as it gets. Tell me they won’t die. Tell me my ears were clogged, I didn’t hear those words they said correctly. It couldn’t have been, it can’t be true. Tell me the person I love is coming back and they’re not to a point of no return. Tell me they won’t forget about me or the memories we shared, tell me that will be enough for them to make their way back and out of the depths of despair. Tell me it’ll be okay.

Tell me that their face will fill out and their smile I loved so much will return. Tell me that I will be able to laugh with them again and I won’t have to hear of things that make me scared for their life. Tell me, how do you fix someone who is so broken? How do you love someone broken? I’ve tried a million ways but I can’t seem to figure it out, not enough for it to mean anything. Tell me that there is hope. Tell me I can visit them without the fear of the unknown.

Tell me how to love them without anger following after. Tell me how to live with something that it eating away at them from the inside out. Tell me, who is this person standing in front of me, when all I see is darkness and a empty soul. Tell me that they are in there somewhere. Please someone tell me, someone tell me they are coming back.

 “Previously published by Thought Catalog at https://thoughtcatalog.com.”

I Hope My Kids Marry Someone Just Like Their Dad

Easy smiles

I can’t express into words just how sure I was that good men no longer walked God’s country. I was convinced I either would have to settle or be alone; because finding someone who treated me the way I deserved was so far fetched. It just wasn’t happening for me. I had my fair share of relationships, mostly crappy relationships at that. I’ll admit, I wasn’t probably the easiest person to get along with, my patience was very thin, jealousy consumed me; that’s no easy thing to admit. I was just hopeful somebody would love me through it all. Then one day, someone did. I hope that the girls find someone just like him, because this is how they will be loved and this is what he’ll be like.

I’m so not a fan of his patchy beard he has going on, if anyone has beard growing ideas, let me know! Haha.

He will have a kind heart and a gentle hand. He will have love in his voice, even when he is angry. I know she will feel safe and at home, no matter where they are at so long as they are together. He will have patience.
He will be patient even when she is on his every last nerve. Patience she strives to have. Patience with their children, patience when she’s had a long day and moody. He will be a loving father and a faithful husband. Someone who is never quick to assume and will never let them go to bed angry at each other. He will love her fully, and give 100% even if he is running on fumes.

He will bring out the best parts of her and make her use them to her full potential. He will be a provider and never use that as leverage against her. He will buy surprise flowers and gifts just to see her smile. He will speak words of tenderness when getting his point across and never raise his voice without crying immediately after. He will be forgiving, even on days she’s in the wrong. He will make it a priority to not fight in front of the kids and always take the argument to another room, far from little ears that will hear.

He will be honest, always and pray for her everyday. Pray to God to keep her safe. He will be considerate. Considerate of her feelings, and think of her before all he does. He will be selfless and always put her and her needs before his own. He will be her safe place to fall, always being there to catch her anytime she slips. He will whisper I love you’s and tell her how proud of her he is. He will push her to do things she once thought was a dream. He will push her to succeed and be the bigger person. He will make a thousand trips to the car so she doesn’t have to make one, purely out of love. It won’t be because she doesn’t want too, it’ll be because he would rather do it for her. He will pick up her slack when she can’t move another muscle and cook meals for her when she’s sick. On the days she’s hard to like, he will love her harder. He will be the light on her darkest days. He will be a good man.

My children deserve the best and I pray through learning and watching the way Austin loves me they see they should never settle, they should never settle for mediocre love. I’m hopeful they see how a women deserves to be treated and they will know their worth. That good men are out there, sometimes their just hard to catch. But when you do, I know they’ll see the chase was worth it.

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I Hope This Is The Reason You Won’t Need Me Anymore

My dear child, the moment you were laid upon my chest my heart overflowed with love, tears were streaming down my face. Ten pink little toes and ten tiny fingers that wrapped around mine, a perfect fit. So much perfection in a little face, the scent of a new baby began to be my favorite smell. I dressed you in my favorite going home outfit and you looked nothing like I imagined, but better.

I was thankful you slept so well in the beginning, I almost wish I would have taken the sleep if I knew what was in store later on down the road. It was just to hard not to watch you sleep as peacefully as you did, little breaths inhaling and exhaling with smiles as big as ever. I always wondered what you were dreaming of. But I was hoping you’d dream of it more if that meant I was able to catch another glimpse of your toothless grins. Those were always my favorite.

I wonder what it will be like to no longer have to chase the monsters away from your closet. I wonder what it will be like when kisses don’t make your owies go away. I wonder what it will be like to not be able to fix every problem that comes your way. I wonder what it will be like when you fall asleep for the first time without telling me you love me a hundred times and asking me for one more hug goodnight. I wonder what it will be like when you don’t need me anymore.

I’m grateful it will come slowly and not all at once. But I hope by doing all of these things for you, you just learned all of the things I taught you along the way.

I hope you just remembered that monsters are not real, and you are brave enough to chase them all away. That my kisses may not fix everything painful but you will always have me to take care of you. That I may not be able to fix all your problems, but I will always be able to listen to them so you know you are never alone. That I know you may forget to tell me you love me, but you will always show it in a thousand ways, in all the ways that I showed you. Even if you don’t need me as much anymore, I know I will always be your Mother and that title is forever, and my job is never ending even if the requests slow down.

For the days continuing on I will stay basking in this moment with you, always reminding you of the things I hope you remember. The things that you will need to know, when you don’t need me as much anymore.

With all my love,

forever Mama.

Nonfiction

Even If You’re An Ex, You Can Be Friends With My Boyfriend

What is up with the stigma these days? That ex-girlfriends can’t be friends with past boyfriends. Granted, I know that sometimes it doesn’t always end in a pleasant way. But, I refuse to let my boyfriend be limited to friends due to his past relations with them. He is a great friend, he is indeed my best friend. I would be selfish to not let him share his friendship with others.

He has the kindest heart of anyone I know, always to help others. His advice stems from the 80 year old man that lives inside of him. He is always honest and will tell you the truth even if it’s painful. I’m sure you remember. If you were apart of his life, please don’t let me stop you from continuing that friendship with him. I know where his love lies, I know that it is with me. Believe me when I say I won’t be intimidated by your friendship I just can’t promise that I won’t get jealous seeing your name pop up on his phone, but I promise to be understanding of his relationship with you.

You can never have enough friends in the world. It makes the hard times a little easier. Friends help you find the good in the bad and nearly always bring out the very best sides of you. I want him to be happy and fulfilled in his life, I don’t want to be cutting out succeeding friendships in fear of losing him to one of you or any other girl that chooses to be his friend. I can’t dictate his choices, but I can love him well enough and treat him as he should to ensure he never strays far from me. To ensure our love stays strong. Regardless of what is to come. Because life throws curve balls all of the time.

I have to warn you though, he’s changed. His voice is so soothing, his words wrap around you like a warm blanket on a cold winter night, and he has this way with making you feel like nothing else in the world matters. That isn’t him trying to put moves on you, not at all. It’s just who he is. So if you don’t think you can withstand not falling in love with him again, please don’t be his friend. He’s broke my heart before, believe me when I say it can destroy you. So, just choose wisely.

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Here Is Why My Blog Is A Little Different

Hello readers! I know that typically blogs are about yourself. But I would like to think of mine a little differently than that. Ever since high school I have always been very interested in writing. I loved reading and always felt myself slip into another world when I did so. Upon posting pictures of my husbands and kids (because let’s be real, Mom’s are hardly in the pictures) I always write sentimental captions.

I never thought I could be a writer, I never really thought much about doing it other than I loved reading others writing and I was so intrigued on how they put words together that meshed so perfectly. It was like my own addiction, I enjoyed reading relatable things that I could be going through in my life. Because it always feels nice to read something someone else wrote to ensure that you’re not crazy.

With that being said, I am going to morph my creative writings and my personal blogs/personal experiences onto this page. I want to share experiences with you all while writing things that other readers can relate too. I want to show you all both sides of me and I want to be able to express my creative writing side along with my blogs. At the end of all my writings there will be either be a fiction for my creative writings and for personal blogs, nonfiction. 🙂 So for those that come here to read my personal blogs will be able to differentiate the two if you are more interested in those than my creative writing.

I never want to make anyone feel as though all of my writings are true. For anyone who knows me know that I’m a dedicated, faithful wife to my husband and adore my two children. But, I feel as a writer you should be able to express all sides of yourself and especially the imaginary side that takes you away from life. Even for just a moment.

Happy reading, everyone!

I Think I’m Obsessed With You

It’s been years. How does a picture of you still make my heart race? I wish I could say all the things I’d like to, but I would assume you’d think that I’m crazy. I know that because even I too wonder slightly if I might be. Is it normal? Is it normal to want so badly to love you even after all these years? How is it fair of me to want you although you’re so happy and in love?

Perhaps it is because you were my first love or maybe it was due to all of our unfinished business. I thought we had more left in us. I have so many questions, not even necessarily about us. But, about how you’ve been. I want to know if you are still goofy in public, or if that was just us whenever we were kids. I want to know if you overcome your fear of the darkness or if you still sleep with same nightlight I used to stare at while I was in the warmth of your arms. Basking in the moment that we were in, hoping it’d never come to an end. I want to know about her.

I want to know if she brings out the best in you. I want to know if she cherishes every precious moment she spends with you because Lord knows I didn’t cherish it enough. I want to know if she makes you feel safe, if you get to be yourself. From what I see, you’ve changed. Maybe for the better, is it awful of me to wonder if it’s for the worst though? Is it horrible of me to hope it’s for the worst so I can greet you with open arms; letting you know that I’m here?

It’s strange of me to feel this way, do you see why I can never ask or tell you these things? If there is hope left for us, I know this will end it before it even begins. I’ve tried understanding my feelings, but it was you who always helped me make since of them. But where are you to interpret these ones for me? These feelings that keep me awake at night. Just wishing YOU would be the one to message me and ask me how I’ve been. I want to stop thinking about you, I want to stop these feelings from consuming what’s left of the part of my brain that is still sane.

It is true though, apart of me will always be secretly hoping that you don’t work out. Watching you love her in a way that you never loved me is devastating. But, it isn’t as bad as not being in your life. So, maybe, instead of saying all of this, I think I will just say, “Hello, how have you been?”

Fiction

 “Previously published by Thought Catalog at https://thoughtcatalog.com.”

Don’t Give Up After Heartbreak

Why does time have to stop when your heart is breaking? I wish there was a prescription you could take, just to ease the pain of your heart breaking apart inside of your chest. Something at the pit of your stomach, just so it can catch your heart before it shatters into a million pieces. Anything to make you not weep at the sight of anything that you reminds you of him. I remember the pain of heartbreak, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling it now.

I know right now it seems never ending, that the pain is just never going to stop. But, I promise you it will. I know you’ve probably already been begging for someone to take away the suffering you’re enduring and have already switched your pillow to the other side only soon to find you’ve soaked your entire pillow in tears that you don’t even know how are still coming out. It’s okay to grieve, it’s okay to miss them. But, don’t let your heart be guarded in a way you can’t experience love to the fullest.

I understand why you’d want to put walls up surrounding your heart, who in the world would want to feel heart break like that again. Believe it or not, there will be a time you love again. After my heart break I was sure I was going to be alone forever and I was simply unloveable. It wasn’t until after I realized how guarded I was how unfair to me it was to not be accepting of other loves. If you keep your walls up, you won’t be able to feel the butterflies from a sweet text message. There will be many times that you smile only for it to fade completely assuming you already know the outcome. You won’t be able to enjoy the moments of falling in love all over again. I can’t guarantee you that your heart won’t break again, but if you don’t try you will never be able to experience the wonderful things love has to offer.

Everyone is worthy of love and although the ending of a relationship is nearly always painful it doesn’t mean that you should cut yourself off from potential relationships in fear of pain. Pain is envitable, whether that be with heartbreak or the loss of someone you love. It’s going to come and go. When you find the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with, you tend to look back at all your painful heartbreaks leading up to where you’re at now knowing you’d do it all over again if it meant you get to live the life with the person who’s with you today. That’s something you should always remember. Heartbreak is not forever, but the person you find at the end of it, will be.

Nonfiction

 “Previously published by Thought Catalog at https://thoughtcatalog.com.”

To The Ones In Long Distance Relationships

I remember searching the internet relentlessly looking for someone else to understand me and my feelings. Just looking for someone who has been through the same thing that I was enduring in hopes they could shed light on how I can make being in a long distance relationship with a man in the service not seem so impossible. Although I found some helpful advice, I didn’t find what I was longing for to simply keep me at peace. From what I did gather, it’s certainly not common for married or people in serious relationships to not live with their significant other. Which I totally understand, but geez, help a women out.

I will never forget the amount of backlash that individuals expressed with me dating someone living in a completely different state. It isn’t that I didn’t want to go stay with him indefinitely, it was simply that I could not. I had a child from a previous relationship and there wasn’t any chance I could leave. I will say, even when my husband was away his role as the children’s father never faltered. He was an amazing Dad even from afar.

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Austin formally met Paisyn after one year.

Whatever it is that is holding you back, I get it. I do. But that shouldn’t dictate whether or not you can potentially be with this person for the rest of your life if that is what you both choose to do. It also most definitely does not give anyone the right to tell you what is and isn’t good for you. Only you know that. So, please, don’t let anyone try to cloud your judgment.

My husband and I spent 3 years apart before we were ever living together under the same roof. The first year we were still boyfriend/girlfriend and we had our occasional breakups when we thought it was just to difficult. But as soon as we got married, we obviously made it a priority for me to go see him once a month. As expensive as plane tickets are and all of his underways/deployments that was the best we could do. But you have to take what you can get and run with it if you’re really wanting this to work. It wasn’t until Feb – March of 2017 that we finally got to feel what it was like to always be in each others presence.

Believe me, it is not an easy process by no means. It takes a lot of dedication to be with someone in the service. It never gets any easier, telling them goodbye. It rips your heart apart every time and just when you think you have it all figured out; as soon as they walk away, you break. You shatter into a million pieces. My husband and I made a promise that after we said goodbye to go back home (whichever one of us came to see the other) we’d never turn around to look. Watching your heart walk in a completely different direction instead of being with you is the worst pain of all. Even to this day, the pain is burned into my mind. The thought of all those goodbyes brings me to tears because it was unlike any other hurt I’ve ever felt. It’s okay to feel that way, don’t let anyone shame you for your outbursts of crying. I would even go to say that it feels worse than your first heart break. Because all you feel is numb, you feel nothing. Empty.

The times you do get with your significant other, hold on to it. Lean on it. Take it all in. Stay still in the moment. It’s very difficult to come to terms with not getting the time you want but only receiving the time you get. It never seems to be enough, does it? Never enough laughs, never enough hugs or kisses. Never enough memories. But you can make the best of it. You can make it last until you see them again. Plan a fun event together, watch a movie, if you have kids find a sitter in advance for them so you can get some alone time with your person.

He took me to my very first beach and I fell in love!

In between seeing them it’s critical to set aside time strictly for you to talk. I know how frustrating it is when plans are always changing (welcome to the Navy) but you have to figure out something to make it work. Our phones and computers were what we depended on to make our relationship work when being apart. It’s not exactly the best thing in the world, being glued to your phone that is. But we were determined that we wanted this for life.

Be patient with them, as patient as you can that is. It’s really easy to become snippy with each other after going long periods of time without seeing one another. Stress has a way of making you take it out on people who are in no way deserving of it. Try not to let it show. It will be okay.

Whether you intend on one day moving with them when most convenient for you as a couple. Whether they intend to leave the service to come home with you or if you’re just someone who is long distance until further notice, the time will drag but the ending result is well worth everything that you two will be faced with. There will be many situations that arise that will make you question everything, but listen to your gut. If every part of you is telling you that you love this person entirely don’t give up. It will pass. I remember when I told myself I was going to give it one more time and give it my all. I was so hesitant at first and sure that everything would slowly fall apart. But, it didn’t.

One year after meeting I married my husband, he finished his last two years in the Navy and he came home to me. We added another daughter to our family and life is good. Don’t forget, don’t let anyone tell you it’s not possible. Because we are proof, it isn’t even a little bit true.

Nonfiction