It Was So Hard To Love You And Be Your Friend

I always hoped that somehow through the storm of our love story you would make your way back to me, arms open on the side. The saying goes “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” But I know now, that isn’t even slightly true. I understand now it’s difficult to love someone that isn’t always present, I apologize sincerely for even assuming that could be done. Now, I’m sitting here wondering how that’s even feasibly possible. I just pray you understand why I had to distant myself.

I want you to know that I enjoyed every second of being your friend but it was torture to not be able to love you in the way that I wanted too, in the way you deserved to be loved. It’s always said, right? If you’re meant to be, they’ll make their way back to you. How foolish of me to believe that was true. Maybe, we weren’t meant to be. But, maybe we just didn’t have the chance to start with. The only thing I’ve learned throughout the process of losing you completely is that you can lose a lot of precious moments waiting for the perfect time to be together and time went by far to quickly.

Daily I’d think about you, hoping for a text that you were wrong. You needed me as much as I needed you. That you were ready to try again with us, that you saw more in me than just a friendship. I can’t count the times that I needed you, I needed my friend. I promise you, if that day would have ever came I would have dropped everything to be with you again. But it never did. It never did and you never came. I was playing a game not knowing the outcome of what would happen had I of lost. Turns out, you need to learn about the game before you decide you want too play, another lesson I learned with you. Just know if I could go back, if I could do it all over. I’d settle for being just your friend. Because damn it, I miss you.

It wasn’t fair of me to give you an ultimatum because I couldn’t figure out how to love you and be your friend. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me, because you were my best friend and were always there when I needed you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to be your safe place to fall and a shoulder to cry on but my heart shattered each and every time I saw your tears. All I wanted to do was kiss you and tell you it was going to be okay. It was so damn hard to be just your friend because I was limited to the way I could do things for you, the ways I know used to make you feel better. Please know I tried a hundred times to be what you asked of me. I tried hiding all my love deep inside my heart, but every moment spent with you, you made it pour over. I tried looking for features of you in another person, how unfair of me that was when I had you right in front of me all along. Slowly you were pushed aside, I didn’t know how to love someone else fully and pretend there wasn’t something there in my heart that burned for you. Because my love for you would always outweigh anyone I was with. I needed to give 100% to anyone I was dating, because I remembered how it felt when I didn’t get it from you. I simply could not love you and have friendship barriers, it was to much pain to bear.

As it turns out, I was the selfish one. I was the one who was completely undeserving of your friendship. I knew in my heart that I wasn’t what you wanted anymore but still I longed for you, at one time I was. But, as we got older, your taste in women changed, as did the things you wanted out of life and we just wanted different things. I was to blinded by love to understand it all, but I do now. I still have to convince myself that I don’t love you anymore, even after all these years but truth of the matter is, I do. But I’ve hid it well for all this time, perhaps we could try this friend thing again, just one more time. I think I have it figured out and I’d rather have you in my life than not at all, because that hurts worse than loving someone that will be nothing more than a friend.

fiction

Previously published by thoughtcatalog @thoughtcatalog.com

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